I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
