Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
