We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
barbara walters just said penis...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
