I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
