it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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