so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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