Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
