I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
