some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
