Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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