There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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