Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
