if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
