She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
