My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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