After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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