Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
