just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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