I think i peed on brittanys purse
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
