he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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