My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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