Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize