First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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