ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
