i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
