Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize