My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
