I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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