drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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