GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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