Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it's great music for shaving your balls
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
