I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
