Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
