so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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