No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
