worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Found your dick twin last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
