Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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