How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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