this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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