then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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