Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
