We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
