Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
