were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
