I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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