She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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