so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize