You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
