youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The air was thick with penises
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
