drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
