I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just blew my weed a kiss
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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