Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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