I am spending my child support on dildos
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize