I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I need water and some morals
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
