I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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