I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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