I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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