They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
