The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
